Try This If You Cannot Quit Your Job But You Want To Be Happy At Work

This month's newsletter is touching on a topic that so many of us are experiencing in silence. I wanted to shine a light and give a voice to those who love their chosen professions despite the challenging environment they are facing at work right now.

Below is a conversation I had with a lovely human being who allowed me to share her journey to the powerful insights she gained when we met last week.

We both hope you will find one insight of your own as you are reading along.

Our intention is to inspire you to choose to live life differently.

"-       Andrea, I wish I could quit my job, but I cannot. I have two small kids at home and although my husband is helping out I feel like I wouldn't be happier if I would just stay at home either. I love my profession and I want to build my career I just don't like my current boss. He is demanding, micromanaging, and cares more about him looking good in front of other directors and VPs then our teams’ well-being. I am sure he will move on to the next best leadership position as soon as he can, so I feel like I just need some strategies on how to outlive his toxic leadership. Do you have any ideas?

-       Thanks for sharing your situation with me. You are not alone. Although we read about many people quitting and exiting the workforce, there are also those who, just like you, love their chosen professions and want to stay to make a difference. Yet they, as opposed to those who left, are staying quiet about what they are really experiencing right now. They are afraid to speak up because they don't want to risk losing their jobs.

-       Yes, I feel that way too. And there isn't anybody I can talk to about this at work. Those friends who I used to talk with have already left. And every time we talk now, they just want to help me figure out a way to quit, too. I feel like they don't understand me and feel sorry for me. I don't need sympathy; I need someone to just listen openly. And those who are still there are either happy with their jobs and have a great manager, or are unhappy like me and are afraid to show it. Not having someone, not even one person to honestly talk with is what's difficult. I know I can survive this boss I just… don't want to sacrifice my sanity. And my career. I am afraid, one day I will explode and ruin everything I worked for all these years. So, when my friend recommended to talk to you a felt like I needed to tell someone… before it was too late.

-       I'm happy you reached out and said yes to yourself even if it was for a brief conversation with a stranger.

-       A highly recommended stranger [laughing].

-       [Laughing] Life is so funny sometimes. I was just listening to a podcast before you called about work and life and if we were born to work or born to live.

-       That sounds interesting. What's the answer? I mean it should be obvious - we are born to live - but is it?

-       You are bringing up a good question. It seems like the answer is obvious but then if it is so obvious how come we humans act like we were born to work and forget about the born to live parts? In the podcast, The Happiness Lab with Dr. Lori Santos¹, Professor Cassie Holmes discusses what might be going on with us forgetting the obvious answer to these questions. She, like you, was wondering about quitting or staying in her job herself in the past and that triggered her curiosity around “Can I actually do it all? The busyness at work, getting work done and attending meetings, being present at home with family and friends, and getting the work at home done?” This question led to deeper research around “If I were to quit, so that I would have endless hours a day to spend it exactly how I want it, would I be happier?” And all this research led to writing a book called Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time & Focus on What Matters Most).

-       So, what did she find out?

-       Well, they looked at the American Time Use Data set that captures how individuals spend their days as well as how satisfied they feel. Prof. Holmes and team wanted to see the relationship between how much free time one has in their day and their level of satisfaction.

-       Ah, so before she quit, she wanted to know “How do you know you will be happier after you quit? Do you really know for sure?” Maybe there is a sweet spot for people like me.

-       Yes, and that's exactly what her research showed. Although originally, she thought more free time was better. But, there is actually a sweet spot. There is such a thing as too little time. Less than two hours a day is associated with less happiness. But what she didn't know and is more important as we are considering quitting or staying in our jobs, is that there is such a thing as too much free time. Research shows having beyond five hours of free time a day decreases our satisfaction.

-       So, the sweet spot is between two and five hours a day!

-       Yes, it's about finding ways to use our time better, more intentionally in order to invest our time into our happiness.

-       So, it's not like we will magically get two plus hours extra in our day. It's about using the time we all have - 24 hours - to build in things that make us happy.

-       Yes! Activities like walking your dog with the kids after work, going on a run after dinner, reading a book before going to bed.

-       I don't think I'm doing any of those for two hours though.

-       Maybe not, but if you were to add up your time invested into these three, would that time add up to two hours?

-       I see your point. I haven't thought about it that way yet. How we use our time doesn't just show what we do in life. Time actually is our life and our source of happiness. Investing it with purpose brings us that life satisfaction that so many people are looking for.

-       That life satisfaction… For many years I would drive my husband crazy because on the weekends, when I had more than five hours of free time, I wouldn't be happy until I knew what we were doing over the weekend. I needed to know my purpose. Today, I am satisfied with us just hanging out and resting because it is part of my intention: to spend quality time with my family. Yet, I have also noticed I am happier when we do something for a longer period (2+ hours). Even if we don't talk to each other but paint or do yard work together I am happier.

-       My husband is like that too! Now I understand why he has been driving me crazy on the weekends. I will ask him about this topic for sure. So, Andrea how do I know how to invest my time correctly?

-       Great question! Prof. Holmes shares one of my favorite stories as an example how to visually think about the process. I heard this story years ago when I was in my corporate job and have been using it since. A professor walks into a room full of students. On the desk he puts an empty see-through jar. Then, out a large bag he pulls out some golf balls. he fills the jar with the golf balls and then asks the students if the jar is full. The students answer “Yes”. He smiles and then he takes out some pebbles from his bag and puts them into the jar. “Is the jar full?” he asks again. “Yes” the students answer. He smiles again and takes out a small bag of sand from his bag and pours his into the jar. “Is the jar full now?” “Definitely! Yes!” the students answer now louder. Then he pulls out two bottles of beer, opens one and pours it into the jar. “Is it full now?” The class erupts “Yes! It's full!” Then one student raises her hand. “Professor, I'm curious, why two bottles of beer if only one fit in the jar?” The professor goes on to say that our life is like the jar. The golf balls are the important things in our lives that give us purpose, happiness, and satisfaction. The pebbles are the things that support the golf balls and are needed to stay alive and on course. The sand are the things that we fill our lives with just to feel full, but they don't fulfill our hearts and souls. They are little things that don't matter, that we could let go of. The beer is our growth mindset that no matter how full we feel our jar of life is, there is always room for more. And the other beer is a reminder you always have time to have a beer with a friend.

-       But if he would have put the sand in the jar first, the golf balls would have not fit.

-       That's right!

-       So, what you put in your jar first really matters. Because that fills your life up. If I knew what my golf balls were, and the pebbles, and the sand, I could fill my day the way that it would bring me joy. And if I could do that… wait! How do I know what my golf balls, pebbles, and sand are?

-       Using one of my favorite exercises! It's called ‘How do I use my time?’² It's in essence a spreadsheet - or it can be in any other format - that guide you through identifying how you are using your time right now. Not to judge yourself you are doing it wrong, but to simply know what's in your jar today. Before you think about “I will just empty it”. Emptying our jars is scarier than finding out what’s in it. So, one of the ways I discovered works the best is to simply write down what you do during your day using a two-hour tracking method. And the key is to also rate your level of satisfaction associated with those activities. For example, I got up, worked out, showered, dressed, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, and got kids ready for school. Happy two hours! As you go through your day you are collecting data on what activities fill you up with energy, joy, and other positive emotions, and what activities drain you of those positive emotions and fill you with negative emotions instead, like stress, overwhelm, anxiety, so on.

-       I wonder what the most common activities that researchers found are associated with positive or negative emotions?

-       I don't think you would be surprised by the data. The most “positive” activities are - connecting with other people and spending time with others. The most “negative activities” are – commuting, work, and housework.

-       Oh no! I love housework but sometimes I don't like spending time with my in-laws. They take so much of my energy.

-       You are bringing up a good point. And, for the record, I love doing housework, too. What's also important is to look at the features of the activities we love. Your preferred way of doing something. For me, I like doing housework while listening to a book or a podcast. And I like being with my in-laws when I get to cook at their house. There is actually a term for this. Called bundling. When you pair one activity that you want to do with another activity that you don't like to do.

-       I think I'm starting to get it. If life, I mean my life, is like the jar, I can choose what I want to fill it with. And in order to choose, I want to first identify my golf balls, pebbles, and sand. Oh, and the friends to have my favorite drinks with. But to do that, first I want to figure out what I'm doing with my time today and how that makes me feel. Once I have done my own mini data collection, I will be able to decide how to invest my time so that I will be happier. I can see doing this in my personal life easily. But… can I do this process in my work life, too?

-       What do you think? What's standing in your way to do it at your work?

-       Well... Actually. I don't know. I could track my time at work, too. I know I like most of the activities, but I am sure there are some that are “sandy”.

-       Would it be valuable for you to know how much total time per day you are spending on the “sand” at work?

-       For sure. Maybe all that sand is what's making me unhappy in the first place! And not knowing what the meaningful part of my work is. That sounds intriguing. This exercise could shift how I feel about my work… and how I do my work.

-       In what way? Tell me more.

-       Once I uncover my golf balls, the work that leads to real impact, I can connect the pebbles and the sand with the golf balls. Even the small tasks will gain huge meaning. Because they will lead me to the big things. And that will shift my attitude towards the mundane, the boring stuff.

-       Like the difference between the two bricklayers. Both are working in the sun and have the same circumstances. But one says when asked about his work “I am building a cathedral” versus the other bricklayer who answers, “I am building a wall”.

-       Knowing why I love my work will keep me happy. And feeling happy will keep me doing my very best at work. And the other way around, too. Knowing what makes me happy will keep me loving my work. And loving my work will keep me being my best at it.

-       What do you think about your boss right now?

-       Maybe if I am less tense, less stressed, and have more energy around him because my focus is on the golf balls… maybe he will see and sense my satisfaction and joy and… maybe he will loosen up a little.

-       Smiling is contagious you know! You don't have to wait for him to smile first. When you are truly in joy with your work, you are showing up authentically and honestly.

-       That sounds like a fun experiment to do. Thanks, Andrea, for your time! I got a lot out of this conversation. My time was well invested."