The 7 Barriers To Changing Your Mind - What I Learned From My Greatest Teacher
“I changed my mind.” She told me in a calm voice.
“But… we just agreed 5 minutes ago to what we were going to do and we have already taken the first step towards our plan.” I told her. “You cannot change your mind now.”
“Why cannot I?”
Those three words stopped me in my thinking that morning. “Why cannot she change her mind?” I tried to think of a “good” reason to give her, but all my answers had to do more with me and how I felt about her proposing to change her mind rather than with the situation.
Because she was staring at me with a smile and not noticing my inner struggle for an answer, I went with weighting if the new plan was still doable and would produce similar results.
“You can change your mind” I said, “Let’s go with this new plan.”
This was a conversation I had with my 4-year-old daughter. A conversation that sparked my curiosity and had been intriguing me since. So, I went to look for some answers to these new questions:
Why do we react so negatively towards those who change their minds?
What is my belief about changing one’s mind or even my mind?
Why is so easy for a child to change her mind?
What am I missing here?
Before I continue, you have to know about me that I see my 4-year-old daughter as my greatest teacher who is “pushing my buttons” in order for me to learn something new every day (that I might have rejected in the past) and to expand what I don’t know yet.
So, armed with this belief that there is a growth opportunity here, I told my mind “I might change my mind, too. Be prepared if I do.”
These are the seven barriers I found to why it is so hard for us to change our minds.
The 7 Barriers To Changing Your Mind
1. We don’t like change.
Nature has four seasons, and we don’t know what the weather will be tomorrow, how the traffic will be on the highway or what the gas prices will be at the gas station. Even though the world and our view of it are constantly changing and circumstances never remain the same, we still respond to them as if they would be forever locked in their initial form. Thus, we reject any change instantly – unless we see a “good” reason to consider it for a second.
2. We don't like feeling wrong, confused or insecure.
We demand consistency even when it makes no sense. Consistency makes us feel safe and protected. Even when confronted with new facts, people are reluctant to change their minds because we don't like feeling wrong, confused or insecure, writes Tali Sharot, an associate professor of cognitive neuroscience and author of The Influential Mind: What the Brain Reveals About Our Power to Change Others. The thought of losing our respect, leadership or status is more powerful than the possibility of gaining experience, knowledge or new skills.
3. We associate changing one's mind with being perceived as uncertain, wishy-washy, having lack of leadership, lack of confidence, and even having a weakness of character.
Have you ever heard “you can’t be constantly changing your mind!” Or “just pick something, anything, and stick to it.” Chances are you have been told that changing your mind frequently isn’t beneficial to you. It leads to unfinished projects, destroyed trust, and wasted resources. It is also a sign that you don’t know what you want in life, you are inconsistent, and you can’t deal with the consequences of your actions. We like to be liked by others and fitting in is important to us. Others’ opinions matter and we don’t want to appear like we have no clue about what we are doing. In their book The Enigma of Reason, cognitive scientists Hugo Mercier and Dan Sperber suggest that the human ability to reason is less linked to facts than to social standing. Rationality in humans, they argue, evolved to help us win arguments by convincing others and justifying ourselves. Being able to win arguments, more than being factually correct, helps people gain status in society. On the other hand, we like people to change their minds only when it benefits us.
4. We pretend we live in a straightforward world.
We pretend we live in a world of black and white, right or wrong, this or that, either – or. We pretend the world is full of easy and simple choices. And once you made up your mind, we expect you to stick with it. Otherwise – we won’t know who you are, what you believe in, and how to behave around you. We don’t want to switch from seeing you as a friend to seeing you as a threat. So, be a friend and never change (your mind).
5. We get attached to answers like we do to our possessions.
In an experiment, Tali Sharot found that when two people had opposing views, their brains became less sensitive to facts presented by their opponent. While this human bias is not new, being able to access all sorts of information and "cherry-pick" what to believe moves groups who disagree further into an argumentative and conflict-filled situation, Sharot explains. Thus, changing one’s mind feels impossible, even if it is our own mind. We become, in short, highly resistant to changing our minds because our answer has become part of who we are. Once we give an answer, it's no longer simply an answer but now it is our answer. And any threat to it feels like a threat to us and to our identity.
6. We commit to our answer & we instantly become emotionally biased in favor of it.
Humans are irrational creatures. Unlike robots or artificial intelligence that can be programmed to learn and upgrade, we attach emotions and ego to our beliefs, according to scientists who study the human brain. The truth is, we get instantly hooked emotionally to our answers, decisions, advice, or opinions. Giving the “right” answer or making a “good” decision could take a lot of time, effort and energy. When finally spoken out loud it offers a sense of accomplishment that gives us a boost of confidence and it feels good. Changing your mind could feel like you are admitting you were wrong.
7. We like to run on autopilot.
We think we make decisions (important ones) about our lives every day, yet our brain is very “set” in certain mental models or mental ruts, and in trillions of neurological pathways (aka patterns, habits, rituals, traditions, rhythms). So, going against our mind seems like the start of a war with too many known casualties. It is easier to give up control because it gives us in return a false sense of security (and control, I would argue) in an always changing, uncertain and unpredictable world.
Change your mind and it will change your life. If nothing around you changes, changes the things that are around you.
Tyrese Gibson
Yet, despite these barriers, I went for it. I decided to practice changing my mind every day and at least once. For example, today I wanted to contact an old friend to ask her to join me at the Learnapalooza event where I would be participating as a coach on October 7th. My mind said “just email her” but I decided to change my mind. So, instead I looked up her phone number and called her up. It was lovely to speak with her and even though she said no to my invitation, she connected me with two other friends who might be able to attend. All within 10 minutes!
So, here are some tip I use to remind me to change my mind - with intention and with joy.
Tips for changing your mind
Be open to learning and exploring. What you believe now is based on what you currently know. Create opportunities and experiences to listen to other perspectives and tell yourself you are open and curious when you encounter new information that contradicts what you believe or when someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to.
Check your expectations and family patterns. You are more likely to believe ideas and hear perspectives that confirm your prior beliefs. Be aware of what your initial reactions are when you hear new information or seek new experiences. A good rule of thumb is if you immediately reject something, that’s a sign you bumped into GOLD (Generational Obstacles & Learning Database). Don’t let the GOLD disappear. Be curious, ask questions and go deeper. Maybe there’s more GOLD waiting for you.
Don’t be attached to your answers or ideas. We have thousands of thoughts every day and we love sharing them. Be the person who offers “free” unattached ideas. Free from belonging to you and free from expectations of having to do something. Give others permission to choose to listen and to “take” these ideas. Practice accepting no’s, not just yeses.
Seek out discomfort. Breaking out of your echo chamber is a good way to check that your beliefs are aligned with your core values. Use inquiry to sit with questions you don’t know the answer to yet. Look for GOLD in conflict and disagreements. Challenge yourself to identify your judgement (opposing belief) before you learn to listen without judgement.