Derailed From Achieving Your Goals?

How I Turned My Derailment Into A Super Power

I woke up with so much excitement. “It’s February 1st! I will get back on track and don’t let the passing of January deter me from what I set out to do this year.”

Then the door opened, and my daughter walked in. She climbed onto my bed and smiled. Her cheeks were red and her smile was worth waking up for every single day.

As I pulled her closer for a hug, she felt warm. Unusually warm. Warmer than yesterday or the mornings before. I put my right hand on her small forehead, and she was burning hot. Suddenly, I noticed her cheeks, too. They were fiery red, the sign of something going on.

I climbed out of bed, turned on the light and looked for the temperature measuring gadget that my husband purchased at the beginning of the Covid outbreak. It was the gadget we used to check for fever.

I pointed it to my daughter’s beautiful small forehead and in less than two seconds the inch and a half sized display turned red and a loud beeping sound filled the bedroom. Her fever was over 102°F.

“Yes, it’s what I thought. You have a fever. No daycare today.”

For a few seconds she looked disappointed then she said “Okay. Will you play with me all day Mommy?”

I smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

I knew my plan to be on track was just derailed again.

Despite my best planning skills and best intentions, I didn’t get far in achieving the things I wanted to achieve in January. And if you are feeling a little bit down because of it, like me, I want to tell you I’m with you. We are in the same boat.

31 days have passed already and what have I done that I am proud of so far?

My mind is just spinning like the circle in the middle of my computer screen when it cannot connect to the internet. It’s having a hard time finding the data and evidence to connect to.

Sure, I have done some things but right now I feel like I have wasted those 31 days and have been just robbed from the opportunity to recalibrate and get back on track.

I know some of you might think “I cannot believe even she is thinking like that. I thought she would have figured this out by now. I thought I am the only one who is struggling and losing my inspiration to pursue my new goals I set out for myself at the beginning of this year.”

Well, if you are wondering if I too struggle, wonder no more.

Yes, I do. I struggle, too.

I have self-doubting and self-sabotaging thoughts, too. You have them, too. We all have them. The ones that are mean, rude, irrational, and just flat out spiteful.

They show up because I have set an arbitrary timeline for my goals, and I am measuring myself and my progress against this imaginary finish line.

I did my best to take into consideration that life is not a static and continuous flat line on the calendar.

I forgot that even when I have built in power outages, winter storms, birthday parties, school breaks, emergency and sick days, I will still feel down and disappointed some days. We, humans, cannot turn off our not-so-good feelings and just feel the happy and rosy ones. Feelings are what makes us humans.

And knowing that the sensation of disappointment, sadness and feeling sorry for myself won’t last long, I leaned into them, like Susan Cain, author of Bittersweet, #1 New York Times bestseller book advised. “Sadness is your super power,” Cain writes, and I was ready to put it on like a magical cape.

What came next was a wonderful experience of creativity.

My Process:

Here’s what I did:

1.     I turned on one of my favorite songs.

I grabbed my phone, opened the music app and clicked on the first song that was queued up for me. Music energizes me, my body starts dancing and it moves me into a different mindset.

2.     I let go of control, and I went with what was right in front of me.

I intentionally didn’t search or browse for a song. I went with what was already offered up for me. I do this often. I take myself out of the driving seat and give up control. (That makes me curious: How often do I think I am in the driving seat, and am I really? What about you? Well, that’s for another article.)

3.     I leaned into the present moment, and I listened for clues.

Once the music came on and the lyrics started playing I tuned in and turned on my experiential mode of the mind. It’s the state of mind where we humans experience the world moment-by-moment without needing to think about it or turning the moment into words or ideas. Where the richness and the beauty of the world is simply a sensation, a sound, an impulse or a mood and we get fully present in the awe of what is. It’s like watching the sunset. It fills you up with something that you didn’t miss at all or wanted a second ago, yet you are so glad to be in that moment witnessing it. (The other mode of the mind or way of thinking and being is called the thinking mode. When we think about what’s happening and use words and images to describe it. This extraordinary mode enables us to be creative, plan, write, imagine, learn and so much more.)

As I was listening the lyrics came alive and I started writing my own verses. The words were just flowing out of my mouth without any previous thoughts or effort.

4.     I enabled the space for creativity and creation.

As soon as I noticed my effortless creativity was flowing, I grabbed my laptop and started writing whatever was showing up. This is what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian-American psychologist, recognized and named as the “flow.” According to him, this psychological concept of "flow" is a highly focused mental state conducive to productivity.

I didn’t censor any words, I didn’t judge them nor try to fit them to match any existing thing or concept. I trusted I was the conduit to something that hasn’t been created yet.

5.     I shared my creation – no matter what I thought about it.

This is the most exciting part of this experience – the sharing of it. The pure joy and love it gives me to be able to show it with others. Like showing a newborn baby. Some will not like it, some will not care and some will feel… something. And for that something is worth laboring for.

So, if you feel like you have been derailed this month, too, I want to tell you it’s okay.

You can lean into your derailment, like I did, knowing it won’t last the whole year.

And you, too, can use your sadness as your super power to create something new before your "train" gets back on track again.

If you do, I’d love to hear about it, so feel free to share it with me.

Below is the poem that I wrote that day.

Judge it.

Enjoy it.

Share it. 

My Poem

I Never Knew Till Now

I was a walking definition of unsettled and restless.

The needle of my compass was pointing anywhere but home.

I thought I’d always be alone, wondering in the world.

I never wanted to leave the place where I grew up.

I never wanted to leave my friends and family.

I never wanted to go out in the world alone.

I never wanted to build a life somewhere far away.

I was always one foot out the door, curious about what I saw,

Exploring everything and anything new.

Learning and asking questions others were afraid to ask.

Seeing and sensing things others were only dreaming about.

I never saw myself meeting a boy with two big dogs.

I never saw myself sailing on the lake with him.

I never saw myself running barefoot on the ocean beach,

I never saw myself flying over the Grand Canyon.

I never saw myself hiking to the tallest mountain peak.

I never saw myself choreographing a play.

I never saw myself camping out with a girlfriend at Zion.

I never saw myself driving to work in a blue Suzuki with the windows rolled down while the sun was rising like a red fire ball on the horizon.

I never saw myself with a ring on my finger.

I never saw myself holding my children’s hands,

I never saw myself jumping in the rain puddles with them.

Never until now.

Out of all the struggle I went through, I never thought people would give me a chance.

I never thought people would invite me in for a warm meal and be curious about me.

I never thought strangers would become my best friends.

I never thought I would always have one angel walking and helping me along my way.

I never thought one smile can open so many doors of kindness.

I never thought saying yes to seeing the world would get me back to finding my home in my own heart.

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me.

Never when I was consumed by self-doubt.

Never when I wanted to cause pain to others and myself.

Never when I felt I disappointed everyone, especially who cared about me the most.

Never when I felt so overwhelmed, I pushed everyone away.

Never when I felt so indecisive, I acted out.

Never when I told myself lies and was not willing to face the truth.

Never when I was in the dark and wanted to hide from the world and myself.

Never was I alone or forgotten.

I never knew life could be so meaningful.

I never knew I was always part of this meaning.

I never knew my life was meant to have a purpose.

I never knew that purpose was always in me.

Never till I was brought down to my knees.

Never till I broke down.

Never till it was so dark.

Never till I almost become the darkness myself.

Never till I reach out for help.

Never till one walked me out the dark.

Never till one told me about flipping the page.

Never till I said yes to love.

Never till I loved the ground I stood on.

Never till one stayed till late in the night with me.

Never till I closed my eyes to see the light.

Never till I became the light myself.

Never till my light lit up one’s face.

Never till now.

I never wanted to be perfect, I never wanted to stand out.

I was always myself.

I never thought about being enough.

I never saw myself carrying the light.

I thought I’d never make it out.

I never saw myself with a burning heart.

I never knew my words were sparks and my actions could ignite fires in the hearts of others.

Never Till Now.