Understanding is not the first step.

So many Engineers that I work with stop and pause when I say this. If you are like them and you seek to understand first too, you might be already formulating your facts and data points to counter me and prove me wrong.

And I would listen to you too and say it again. Understanding is not the first step.

Noticing and observing is the first step.

When we seek to understand we give our brain the immediate task to “search through trillions of billions of knowledge pieces and find a match.” What we don’t realize in seeking to understand is that we are not wired to understand right away. We, humans (me, too), have selective attention, forget 30-40% of our memories, are bad at remembering and recalling details, and are easily influenced by “fake” information.

Our brain is wired to not understand in the moment.

By paying attention and observing we let our brain do what it’s good at: connecting the dots, looking for patterns, creating visions (pictures associated with information), drawing the big picture, and filing the gaps.

Why is this useful?

Because by not understanding we allow our whole body - mind and heart - to partner together and guide us to what we are looking for.

We are looking for the most important element that causes us to not understand right now. I call it the Aha moment element.

I first learned about a technique that leverages this partnership (between the mind and heart), and lead me to my Aha moment, when I embarked on my certified professional coach training program. It was called sitting with my inquiry.

I remember rejecting the notion of not understanding, not having an answer, and not knowing right away. I am a go-getter, a taking-action girl, a ‘I am in, let’s do it’ person. So, when my teacher said to go home and sit with that a couple of days, I thought she was joking. But I was wrong; she wasn’t.

I remember for a few hours I tried very hard to find an answer, yet none felt like the “right one”. Nothing felt right or the truth. Then I gave up and convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to figure it out anyway because obviously I was not good at it yet. So, why bother?

Then the next day I noticed something that was interesting and new. Then another one, and another one. And soon the answer showed up in the most unexpected place: in a boring corporate executive meeting. I heard one of them say something and suddenly all made sense. It was my Aha moment.

My big smile probably confused some of them and they still haven’t figure out what happened to me that day.

Since then I am more worried when I quickly understand something. Is it my bias that is being validated? Is it my ego that is trying to protect me from digging deeper? Did I fall for something stupid?

I learned that bad salespeople use this technique of “making me understand now” and then quickly follow with asking me to “sign up for something” or “sign the papers now” or “buy now before it is too late.” Be aware, if somebody wants us to make a deal with them right now, we are on the loosing end of that deal. Take a break or walk away.

So, don’t seek to understand right now what I have just told you.

Instead ask yourself this question and sit with it for a few days: 

“If I am not seeking to understand, what behaviors do I notice of others and of myself?”